I am.. doubt

I am doubt.
I am a bad person.
I instill doubt into others.
Ignore me for your own safety.

I've lost faith in this world. Everything that's happened to me has caused me to lose faith. Or am I the one to blame for losing faith in everything?

I used to have pet birds. They died.
I remember, there were particularly two. I shouldn't have left them. It's my fault and in the end, it was still my fault that they died.
I was away in Canberra and when I came back, one died. The other one, died later when I was home.

When I was in Vietnam, my family bought a dog... to eat. No matter how much I cried, I had no power over it. It died. I looked into its eyes and..

And I was watching Naruto. The episode in which Naruto Vs Pain.
Naruto's a great story. Everything fit's, and there's plenty of morals there. There's faith.

And what really interests me in the fight between Naruto and Pain is this "do you understand my pain". As long as there is love, there is hatred. Hatred is a neverending chain that causes people to seek revenge upon one another.

I hope some day, humans will all understand each other.

For me, I've given up.

The irony

What's really weird is how people have been crying cos their friends are leaving. God damn it. It's not the last day of school - next week is.

Wanna see each other? There's no better place than school cos guess what, we're totally gonna do work next week.

Bunch of sobs.

This world

This world is so cruel.

They say dreams are a way of escaping the brutality of life. For me, even in dreams the pain of a heartache never seems to end. Perhaps, death really is the only escape to this very long journey.

Are heartaches a metaphorical or literal term to express how one feels. I don't know. Perhaps we all feel differently when our heart is aching. For me, there is this very heavy feeling on the heart but maybe thats just me and my mind.

Fuck this.

A story

I heard this story from my Shaolin teacher and it goes:

There were once four horses and along with them were four masters.
The first master would order his horse to move. It would move.
The second horse would only move when it saw the shadow of its master holding the whip.
The third horse would only move when its master began to whip it.
The fourth and final horse did not move at all, even when its master continuously whipped it.

Moral: humans, including myself are these horses. Rarely are there the fourth horses, yet rarely are there the first horses; We need to be in pain or trouble before we act.

Love is

Love is a trap: so easy to fall in yet so hard to get out.
If you don't try to get out, you'd be stuck in a pit of memories and desire forever.
Then you die.

I only want to be loved. Is it that hard to ask for?