06/07/14

So on this day.. two things happened:

There was a gathering sort of thing for me and a party on at the same time.

The gathering was held in Cabramatta and I drove there. I have this really bad habit of looking outside the window whilst driving extremely slowly when I'm near my usual parking space. I stare outside the window to see if there are any homeless people.

It's a really bad habit and I don't know why I feel so compelled to do it. Perhaps there is some feeling of compassion that arises when I look?

There is definitely a feeling of curiosity that arises when I look at homeless people; I want to understand them, know what they've been through and how they feel. Again.. that word.. understanding.

Well in the end of the driving, I didn't see any.. But then I walked up the stairs to the place of the gathering and there, there was a person lying in a corner with some food and scrap in front of them. My excitement of meeting everyone suddenly shattered so quickly. I just feel so torn when I see a homeless person. I don't know why..

The night went on and I tried to forget what I saw. Despite having a nice dinner and joking around with everyone, the thought lurked in the back of my mind. "I'm sitting here in a nice and fun environment with companions and there is a person up there all alone". I wondered if anyone else noticed at all.

Anyways, the dinner ended at around 10 and I was getting call from other friends to attend the party I sort of promised I'd attend.

And so I went and arrived but the party ended just as I arrived. Every one was drunk even one of my closest friends.. dead drunk. He didn't even notice that I had arrived. Sitting there, being one of the very few that were sober felt weird.

A sense of duty and responsibility arose inside me.. The gathering with one group of people, it was work related and every one was quite mature. On the other hand, we had a party of people going crazy. My close friend went nuts and I felt as if I could have stopped him. It made me feel somewhat guilty. I felt torn.. how do I transition into a responsible person without losing myself?

In between these events, there was some traveling I had to do. And in all that time.. I was alone. When I'm alone, I think a lot. Walking around in Cabramatta alone brought back a lot of memories.
I wanted to feel sad but I felt it wasn't right of me to do so.
And when you look around at the night sky, everything seems so perfect and then you look at yourself. You feel like crap compared to everything else around you.
I don't just do this when I'm walking alone in Cabramatta.. I also tend to do it when I'm taking out the bin at home.
Is there someone out there who is also looking at the night sky? What are they thinking when they look up?
Perhaps I look up because I hope for something. I think.. every time I look up I gaze at how perfect it is and question how imperfect I am (and maybe even mankind). I want to understand more.. and why can't others understand more?