A post from the past

It's so pretty right :D

My little sister told me that

My little sister told me that there's a "fashion" trend in Korea where the people would undergo surgery to insert more fat at the bottom of their eyes to look cuter.

And it made me wonder where the hell they got that idea from.

But yesterday, I cried and it made me realise. The eye look occurs when you're crying. Why's it cute when someone is crying. You don't wanna see someone cry right

I am a brother

My little sis would often make fun of me..

You don't talk to this girl, you don't talk to that girl any more, she would say and she'd throw in a laugh

You like this drama because you've been in that guy's position. You're confused, she would say and throw in a laugh

When are you gonna get a girlfriend? We might think you're gay, my parents would say (I'm not gay)

And each time they say that, I can only fake a smile. But deep down I am actually really confused and I can't show it to them. And it hurts a lot every time I'm reminded.

To my siblings, I am a big brother. To them and to everyone, I am a very cheery dude always cracking jokes. I love that part of me but..


Thank you to whoever that's reading. I'm glad there's someone listening :)

And I think that someone is you my primary school friend. Sorry I haven't been in contact.

Fox Rain

The drama's called "My girlfriend is a gumiho". I really like it because there are so many metaphorical interpretations for it.

And although Mi Ho is a gumiho, she wants to become a human.

In life, we search for our purpose. A lot of us try to find what it takes to be a human. I know I am.

"I really really like you so so so much," she says. Is there are a purpose to those words for me any more? I haven't felt it in such a long time.

Another thought in bed

I started a Korean drama. It's probably my only exception for watching dramas.

And it made me think a lot. I've been up a lot, really late just thinking.

I'm really hurt and I don't know how to fix it. It hasn't been the same ever since.

Can you tell me a story?

Soba ni irukara

I miss you

A Quote

http://www.relatably.com/q/img/ernest-hemingway-quotes/ernest-hemingway-quotes.png

They're all the same

Some say looks matter, others say personality matters. And the rest say that it's a combination of both.

I've come to look at physical appearance at a different angle. The more I travel and the more I look around, the more I realise that everyone looks the same to me. Perhaps to be a bit more specific, there are some very common physical traits across certain ethnic groups (no shit right). But the more I look into it, the less I appreciate each individual's physical appearance. It's not in the sense that I don't care what they look like.. It's more to do with the fact that everyone looks the same.. I guess it's no joke when they say all Asians or all Caucasians look the same.

So in the end, liking someone has got a lot to do with their personality. For me at least I'd like to think . 

I seem to have lost that spark in me though. That click. It's hard to find someone who appreciates and understands you ain't it, it's asking for too much.

Henry, do people die?

Doing the dishes and the lil kid asks me this question;

Charlie: Henry do people die?

It made me pause for a moment. But I continued and answered him because I wanted to see his reaction.

Henry: Yes Charlie, people do die. Old people die.

Charlie: Oh I don't wanna die..

Henry: That's okay, you're still young. That's why I tell you to go shopping with mum and dad. You should spend more time with them (because you know.. I don't really..).

I don't think he got the idea that my parents were getting old.

Charlie: What will happen to the children if old people die? Will our family stay the say?

I wasn't too sure what he was asking.

Henry: What do you mean?

Charlie: Will we be the same family me, you, sis, dad and mum if we are reborn?

I nearly said no but paused to correct myself and said yes instead.

How do you do this?

How do you accept failure and accept yourself for who you are?

Is failure all a part of the journey for individual development? I'd like to think of it like that cos it makes me feel better. Cos ya know.. I often do perceive myself as a failure and someone who fails more often then necessary.

So why don't I do something about it? I don't know...

A thought in bed

I guess in many ways.. I'm still just a kid.

:-(

Pu Gong Yi De Yue Ding

Not sure if this is the official MV but it stuck to me recently.

Brief Intermission of Songs

I know I've linked the last song on this blog already but.. sometimes.. I'm just sitting in my car and listening to it on repeat. It gets me every time. The emotions he shows in his vocals. It's so good.

Memories before Australia: Part 1 - Surreal memories

Preface

Let us finally begin. It's been 2 years since I said I'd post about my journey. However, I think it's best that I start from the very beginning and go through nearly everything. A big reason for the delay was mainly cos I lost the feeling, the need to post. That and the fact that I wanted to upload iPhone images but it's a pain in the arse. These posts are going to be unusual. They'll be formatted into sections that will be easier for me to write and I think it'll help the whole thing come together fluidly. I'll be sharing my life memories here and there but I won't be including everything of course; it'll be things that's made me who I am today.

I think it's best at this point to introduce a prominent figure who will be a recurring theme in these stories: my mum. Her name literally means Nine in Vietnamese. The Viets have a tradition of naming their children after numbers (probably because they had lots) so naturally my mum was the 9th child. She wasn't the youngest though; I have an even younger uncle (he wasn't called ten) and apparently there was an 11th child who passed away due to illness. I'd probably have lots more uncles and cousins if living conditions weren't so poor. Anyways, all of this is supposed to help me build up to my name. My name came from an old way of saying numbers in Vietnamese (or so I believe) and it was given to me by my paternal grandpa. My name means three.

Surreal Memories

I don't have much of a recollection, especially in the earlier years. That's pretty natural for anyone though. But.. there were times where mum told me stories that made my memories felt so surreal yet somewhat unsatisfactorily important. It made me feel as if my brain concocted these memories to help me justify some of my distastes.

 Trips to the Hospital

 There's one very fond memory I have in particular but let's start with the context of it. Living conditions in Vietnam were shit, especially at the time I was born. My mum loved her vegies,especially boiled water spinach with fish sauce. It's popular in Vietnam because it is cheap, simple, easy to grow and the plain vegetable soup is often mixed with the rice for a quick meal. So as you can see, she wasn't really taking in the right nutrients to take care of me with breast milk but there was no other option. As such, I had diarrhoea quite often. 

Near the present day, mum would often tell me of my runny tales to which I have no recollection of. She said that I was a quiet baby, sleeping for the majority of the days and nights; she'd hold me in her arms and we'd sleep on the hammocks in the afternoons. And to show her vivid recollections, she would use Vietnamese onomatopoeia to demonstrate the explosive and uncontrollable diarrhoea I had while sleeping in her arms. There weren't nappies or anything so the poop would be all over my clothes and her. Every time she tells me of this story, it'd put a grin on my face mostly because of her "sound effects". And most importantly to me, it didn't seem like she complained one bit about what had happened but rather I got the feeling that she understood it was one of the hardships of being a mother in Vietnam.

Among these tales of diarrhoea, there was a few where I ended up in a hospital. I don't know if this is where the memory came from but it felt so surreal. Mum said that my maternal grandparents would often visit me whenever I was in the hospital and my paternal grandparents rarely did. So the memory I have till this day was of myself opening my eyes as an infant to see my maternal grandma looking down at me in a dimly-lit room. It's a simple memory and it may not be real but it means a lot to me. And as my telling of my childhood continues, hopefully people will appreciate and understand why.

 The old Preschool

I remember talking about this place before in this blog. It's similar to the above in the sense that I think I realised my surroundings but this time, as a toddler. Dad was overseas by the time I was 2-3 I think so it was mainly mum taking care of me. In this memory of mine, I saw her walking towards the rice fields past the preschool and I saw her. I walked towards the door but it was blocked by a wooden gate. It was one of those safety gates for stairs so that children don't stumble; it kinda looked like a pool gate, except, with wooden bars. And to me, it felt like I was trapped - it was a prison to me. I slid my arms between the bars and cried out to her. She just looked at me and walked away.

And I think this dream has stuck with me ever since I was a child. It gave me a sense of fear for losing the ones I care about. And at a young age, I began to unnecessarily worry about these things.

In a similar memory, I had dreamed of a large mechanical tortoise that terrorised the village I lived in. It looked like one of those daikaijus in Japanese tales, similar to Godzilla. Anyways, the tortoise rampaged the village and ate everyone, including my mum. Strangely enough he'd spit them back out but they had all turned into fish. I gently ran my fingers along the scales of one of the fish and cried to myself. This woke me from my nightmare. It felt really lonely.

To finish off this section, here's a picture of the place I was talking about. It was taken 2 years ago. It may or may not have been the preschool. My brain may have just made it all up. I'm not sure, but I think it did help me realise a few of the things that are important in life. Why I'm not sure if it's real? Well, the only solid memory of actual preschool at the age of 4 seemed like a time-skip. It was at a completely different location.



The place looks like it would collapse any time soon and I wouldn't be too surprised if it was gone in my next visit..

My Uncle

I have an auntie whose name literally means Four in English. She married a man from the jungle area of Vietnam. I may as well briefly introduce him here but I have very few memories of him; it's as if he never existed. To me, he seems to be lurking around there in a way that I sort of associate him with evil and the devil. May be a bit of a stretch, but it's because I don't really have any fond memories of him. There was a memory in particular which I don't know if it was real. It was basically him playing a tape with naked people in it, probably porn. He casually played it in the living room of the house and turned around to smile at me. I think I frowned and walked off.

With that last memory, I think it concludes my first section of the surreal memories. Gathering my thoughts and ideas and trying to recollect everything takes a while. And it's perhaps the biggest reason why I'm so hesitant to write. It's my whole life put in some form of chronological order after all.

A feeling

This morning I had a dream.. one I haven't had in a while.

In this dream, you were in it. You saw me and called out to me but I ignored you and waved to somebody else.

Your call eventually turned into a cry and you broke down. I looked at you and gently touched your face and walked away.

You continued crying but I just walked away.

And in this dream.. I saw myself and what I was doing. It seemed real because this is what I really felt, walking away,

But did you ever cry?

And when I woke up. My heart felt a heavy feeling. Is it normal? I can't seem to grasp when I last felt this, Is it sadness? I don't really know any more.

At times, I don't feel like I'm myself at all.


I'll post later tonight.

I really do want to make the world a little bit better

And along the way.. Perhaps I can feel it once again..

The rain

 Lately, I had just found out how much appreciated the rain.

It's such a soothing sound and it helps me sleep.

And it just so happens at the same time, it washes away my emotions.

I know I promised posts, but I just moved houses and won't be able to do a proper one for another week.

I'll write about Vietnam. I'll begin from the age of 0.

Suy Nghĩ Trong Anh

Cứ qua thêm một ngày mới biết thế nào là yêu
Một ngày trôi qua vội vã nhưng trong anh rất nhiều điều
Những suy nghĩ trong anh cứ lớn lên từng phút
Cứ lớn theo từng ngày khi anh được ấm áp bên em.

Những suy nghĩ trong anh giờ đang chia làm hai
Một nửa trong anh từng nghĩ chúng ta sẽ bên nhau trọn đời
Nhưng nếu lỡ một ngày em nói lời chia tay
Anh sẽ thế nào đây, anh sống thế nào đây?

Hãy để cho anh được yêu... yêu em trong từng suy nghĩ
Dù là tưởng tượng thôi nhưng anh cũng thấy vui rồi
Đừng nói chi em ơi tình yêu không cần nói
Chỉ cần cảm nhận thôi anh nghĩ cũng đủ rồi.

Nhiều khi anh từng mơ ngồi một mình cười ngẩn ngơ
Chúng ta sẽ được sống trong ngôi nhà đầy trẻ thơ
Có khó không em ơi nếu giấc mơ này xa xôi
Thì anh xin được giữ giấc mơ đó ở trong suy nghĩ anh mà thôi...

Lately

I've been listening to a lot of Taylor Swift songs. Well.. just the ones from her "Fearless" album. Such a good album. It brings back a lot of memories.

Speaking of songs, here's one that needs translating.

It's Vietnamese.

Anh Nhận Ra 
I realised. 

Có biết bao con đường mà sao ta vẫn đi con đường ấy.
I don't know how many paths there are, yet why do I choose that one.

Có biết bao nhiêu người mà sao anh vẫn yêu em.


I don't know how many others there are, yet why do I still love you.

Có biết bao cuộc tình rời bỏ tôi nhưng chỉ buồn thoáng qua.
I don't know how many relationships I've had but I get over them quickly.

Nhưng với em không vậy càng bên em anh càng thấy yêu em.
But with you, it's different. The more I'm with you, the more I love you.

Và anh xin…xin lỗi em có những lần anh đã vội vã.

I beg for your forgiveness.. for the times that I'm thoughtless.

Mà vô tâm quên mất đi có một người luôn ngóng trông từng đêm.
And I'm heartless.. I forget that you're the one i think of at night.

Và khi anh đau em ở bên luôn cho anh một vòng tay ấm áp
When I'm hurt, you're right by my side to help me feel warm.

Mà khi em đau anh ở đâu để cho em phải khóc thật nhiều.
But when you're hurt and crying lots, I'm not there.

Người yêu ơi anh đã sai hãy thứ tha cho anh người nhé.

My love, I'm wrong. Please forgive me.

Vì anh biết chỉ có em sẽ cho anh hạnh phúc trọn đời.
Because I understand that you're the only one for me.

Happy New Year

Happy New Year. Here's to 2016!

I will post more, I promise. This time for sure.
I have a lot in my mind but those things don't bother me at all.

I will get them down though.