Divorce

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pdxLwqGsRkQ

For some reason I can't link that as a video. Oh well.

Anyways, that video got me really wondering.

When is it the right decision? When should one hold on or let go.

In that video, the guy chose to let go. She chose to fight using her past memories.
I guess, the past does invoke some strong emotions but is it good to cling onto the past? But.. does it sort of send the other person through a guilt trip? I think it sorta does.. Emotions can be used as a weapon after all.

The past means a lot to me and I've used "the past" heaps. But I've also been told to let go of the past because what's happened has happened.
How do I balance these two?

When I cling onto someone in one way or another, it does use a lot of my mind and energy.I question if its worth my time and energy.

From experience though, I've sort of learned that it's not worth it. Relationships don't seem worthwhile. There's a big part of me telling me to forget the past and move on. But move on to where? The road seems foggy and I've felt lost the whole year when it comes to these kind of things.

Still, there is a portion of me that wants to believe that relationships are worthwhile and worth fighting for. I feel as if that part of me is slowly being forcefully torn away from me though.

After all that's happened to me.. my problem seems whiny and unnecessary.

How do I feel? I'm not sure..

Now and then there's always that feeling that something's not right and I can never pinpoint what it is. I think it's cos of all the conflicting ideas I have in me and that I can't seem to settle it.

End of Naruto

Welp, end of Naruto. Wouldn't say the ending was great.. but I'm just glad that Naruto and Hinata got together.

It reminded me of something when I was younger.

I liked this image a lot. And I still do.

I remember

spending nearly a whole day looking for something special. Searched all the shops near me.

I want to do that again.

On another note..

The post I made last night.. It must have been on my mind a lot cos the dream I had was so whacky.
Not gonna go into detail.. Really embarrassing and very unlike me.

I think

We can only feel things if we allow ourselves to.

No title

你太猖狂

能約出來的人都約光
能吃得下的早已吃光
很用力談笑 比哭還絕望
怎麼挨得到 打烊

我以為痛苦可以分散
於是我忙到不能再忙
忙到忘記了 洗掉你所有短訊
一字一巴打在我臉上

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊 把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

我以為工作能夠療傷
甚至恨不得病倒再算
沒力氣遐想 誰知癱瘓在床上
越發渴望你就在身旁

思念太猖狂 一個冷不防
一想起你 忙碌的生活變得空蕩蕩
對心事說謊 把你想到多麼的不堪
偉大的你還想我怎樣

你也太猖狂 一個冷不防
睡到一半 才覺醒療傷先要哭一場
對世界說謊 只把自己哄騙得更慘
想得到釋放只有投降

From a fan page

“When someone is in your heart, they're never truly gone. They can come back to you, even at unlikely times.” 

Two kinds of people

There are two kinds of people that I think about a lot:

The ones that make me cry and I just want to forget

And the ones that make me cry but I want to keep in my memories.

Which one are you? Could you be both?

Both hurt me in some way.
Really, sometimes, when I'm alone and these things come to my mind.. A tear trickles down my face.
But don't feel bad or guilty.. I don't cry that easily just over these kinds of people.
Sometimes, the tear just comes because over the past year.. I've felt lost.
Idk where I'm going and things seem so unsettled.
I need to make it in.

I'm weird.

最孤獨的孤獨

不確定就別親吻 感情很容易毀了一個人
一個人若不夠狠 愛淡了不離不棄多殘忍

你留下來的垃圾 我一天一天總會丟完的
我甚至真心真意的祝福 永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕 別跟著我 銘心 刻骨

你還是要幸福 我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據 你的篇幅
明天 開始 這一切都結束

還我鑰匙的備份 我覺得再見可以很單純
我甚至真心真意的祝福 永恆在你的身上先發生

你還是要幸福 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕 別跟著我 銘心 刻骨

你還是要幸福 我才能確定我還得很清楚
確定自己再也不會佔據 你的篇幅
明天 開始 這一切都結束

你還是要幸福 你千萬不要再招惹別人哭
所有錯誤從我這裏落幕 別跟著我 銘心 刻骨

你如果很幸福 半夜的簡訊我就無需回覆
因為你的悲喜已經有了 容身之處 我也 能有 最純粹的孤獨

最孤獨的孤獨

The Human Mind..

Where to begin.. as always.. It's always a problem of finding the right place to begin.
And again like always.. I do think about these things a lot and they uhh... "accumulate" over time and maybe when I'm slightly down I like to get it all out.

So in chronology I guess.

On a sudden weekend, I felt like eating Pizza. I probably eat pizza once every year or something.
My dad didn't really know any shops so he took me to this really dodgy looking one on the side of roads on the Hume Highway near Warwick Farm/Liverpool.

I really hesitated to buy from the shop. It was empty and the owner was sitting in the kitchen all by himself. He looked Italian. I wondered what he was thinking. I looked at the different size pizzas and ordered two large. 15 dollars each.. Quite expensive. Is it? I'm not sure. I thought it was. He didn't offer delivery and it was a 20 minute waiting time so dad decided to pick up mum from Cabramatta first before picking up the pizzas.
I was quite worried. I ordered the pizzas and didn't get the receipt so I wondered if he was going to scam me.
Anyways, we made a run around Cabramatta, picked up my mum and then went back to the pizza place.
This time, he was sitting outside the shop talking to what seemed like a friend of his.
"There you are, the pizzas have been waiting" he said (or something like that, I remember very vaguely)
He went inside and grabbed the two pizzas for me.
But the most important thing that struck out to me were these last words when he handed me the pizzas:
"Thank you my friend".
He said so in such a honest and genuine matter. My mind was startled by how sincere his words were. And I still and probably will always remember these words.
The pizza wasn't at all that bad. I was very satisfied with how it tasted. His words made me want to keep buying from his shop. I wanted to talk to him and get to know him.

But being me, there had to be negative thoughts. I asked myself, why did he say those words in such a manner.
His shop was empty, no customers. I was the only one. Did he thank me because I helped him a little on the financial side? Was he desperate? It wasn't much.. but he still did sound sincere. However, a huge part of me still strongly believes that those were genuine, sincere words of kindness.
Next time, I'll definitely buy from his shop.

But.. as humans.. I think tend to behave much more friendly towards others when we are in need. When we have all, we forget about others and what they've done for us.

Which leads to the next event.
I've been pretty clumsy. Left my pencil case at University twice.
On the second time, I texted one of my friends to try and pick it up for me.
"Are you still at uni"
"Yeah" he replies.
"Can you grab my pencil case for me"
He doesn't reply till 10 mins later and says that he's near the station which implied that he doesn't want to turn back to get it for me. "I was already half way to the station when I got your message" he said.
Well, I couldn't blame him. It was my lack of responsibility that caused me to lose my pencil case.
But it was a bit upsetting that you couldn't rely on people sometimes.
My mind thought that if I was in his situation, I would turn back to do the favour. But I doubted myself. Would I really? I'm a human being after all.. Would I turn back after I'm half way towards the station to get the pencil case for the person? A big part of me tried to convince myself that I would but I still doubt myself.
Like I said..

We like to ask favours but not do them. But when we do someone a favour and they sincerely say thank you, it means a lot (to me at least).

Which leads to the next train of thought.
Becoming a Doctor.. What does it mean and why do I want to become one?
Well.. one of the reason is because of the words "Thank you".
When I was in Vietnam.. people talked about becoming Doctors. As a Doctor, when you cure someone, they thank you. And it's not just them thanking you, it's their whole family thanking you. And at times, this thank you could last for generations. I'd like to think people do remember good deeds and return them (but it's bad to think of doing good deeds and expecting them to return to you).
But the words thank you.. it means a lot to me.. Somehow.. it tells me there's some faith in humanity, especially when you can hear those words in a genuine sincere voice.

Clannad

Sounds like my type of anime

Happy Valentine's Day

in China.
I wonder what it's like for them on that day.

On a side note,
A shit tonne has happened lately.

UMAT especially.. has been quite.. a pain.

As corny as it sounds, I prayed in order to do well.
I asked people for Good luck because I'd think every bit of luck could help.
In the end though, it did come down to me.. so I'm hoping I did well..

I'm not just doing it for myself after all.
If I do make it in.. it would be huge self esteem boost (I really need one).
I mean, I am trying to become a doctor for myself and for personal goals.

But ya know, sometimes there are other things that can hit you hard if you fail.
Besides the fact that I would let myself down, I'm also letting my parents down.

Mum has a lot of faith in me and she usually tells me how she has trouble sleeping because of my big exams etc. She worries a lot about me and I especially didn't want to disappoint her.

After all, I can't really remember the last time my mum's been really worried about my sister's exams. Maybe it's cos my exams matter more but I do get this feeling that she does have faith in me but I happen to destroy it every time.

Fingers cross I don't this time. ><

Nearly there

This blog.. nearly 6 years old.. so many memories.

I will keep holding onto it.

Chinese Valentine Day is coming soon.
Lots of memories held in this blog.
Some blog entries seem empty and useless, but there's always more to it.

I hope maybe look back I can recall some feelings.

If that was me

Then I'd walk the hell out of the door.
On the contrary, I think a lot of people would too but...

There are some people with guts though, and they'd just sit down and talk.
(That's what actually happened in the anime).
Maybe 'guts' ain't the right word.
Perhaps, it's the right thing to do when you want to fight for the girl you love?

But then again, these two guys wouldn't even be considered friends so maybe that made the decision a lot easier for the orange guy (Yusaku)

Autumn.... GINKGO

In an old anime (Maison Ikokku)

06/07/14

So on this day.. two things happened:

There was a gathering sort of thing for me and a party on at the same time.

The gathering was held in Cabramatta and I drove there. I have this really bad habit of looking outside the window whilst driving extremely slowly when I'm near my usual parking space. I stare outside the window to see if there are any homeless people.

It's a really bad habit and I don't know why I feel so compelled to do it. Perhaps there is some feeling of compassion that arises when I look?

There is definitely a feeling of curiosity that arises when I look at homeless people; I want to understand them, know what they've been through and how they feel. Again.. that word.. understanding.

Well in the end of the driving, I didn't see any.. But then I walked up the stairs to the place of the gathering and there, there was a person lying in a corner with some food and scrap in front of them. My excitement of meeting everyone suddenly shattered so quickly. I just feel so torn when I see a homeless person. I don't know why..

The night went on and I tried to forget what I saw. Despite having a nice dinner and joking around with everyone, the thought lurked in the back of my mind. "I'm sitting here in a nice and fun environment with companions and there is a person up there all alone". I wondered if anyone else noticed at all.

Anyways, the dinner ended at around 10 and I was getting call from other friends to attend the party I sort of promised I'd attend.

And so I went and arrived but the party ended just as I arrived. Every one was drunk even one of my closest friends.. dead drunk. He didn't even notice that I had arrived. Sitting there, being one of the very few that were sober felt weird.

A sense of duty and responsibility arose inside me.. The gathering with one group of people, it was work related and every one was quite mature. On the other hand, we had a party of people going crazy. My close friend went nuts and I felt as if I could have stopped him. It made me feel somewhat guilty. I felt torn.. how do I transition into a responsible person without losing myself?

In between these events, there was some traveling I had to do. And in all that time.. I was alone. When I'm alone, I think a lot. Walking around in Cabramatta alone brought back a lot of memories.
I wanted to feel sad but I felt it wasn't right of me to do so.
And when you look around at the night sky, everything seems so perfect and then you look at yourself. You feel like crap compared to everything else around you.
I don't just do this when I'm walking alone in Cabramatta.. I also tend to do it when I'm taking out the bin at home.
Is there someone out there who is also looking at the night sky? What are they thinking when they look up?
Perhaps I look up because I hope for something. I think.. every time I look up I gaze at how perfect it is and question how imperfect I am (and maybe even mankind). I want to understand more.. and why can't others understand more?

Maison Ikkoku

Lac Duong

Vietnamese music videos, a bit cliched.

I wouldn't say the language itself is that charming......

But that smile on the guy's face in the end.. Seems somewhat.. genuine..

(This is the music video for the lyrics I recently posted up)

Fool

There's something about his songs. One could say that they don't sound good at first

But there is something addicting to them.
They're very nostalgic for sure..

Captures the feelings of a teenager perhaps?

Sometimes, I just want to be a teenage fool. Let me be the teenage fool. Let me think like one.

Haven't listened to one of these in a while

Em đã từng nói nhịp tim Em sẽ chỉ đập cùng nhịp với Anh
Và chẳng một ai có thể thay thế được cảm giác đó
Anh biết Em chỉ nói thế thôi, để Anh thấy yên lòng
Nhưng thật ra Anh biết Em đang nghĩ gì

Anh đã sẵn sàng tâm lý, trước khi Em nói lời chia tay
Và Anh đã vội vàng đánh thức, thôi con tim đừng mộng mơ nữa
Sao nó vẫn luôn kêu gào, trong giấc mơ ồn ào
Và dường như lý trí của Anh, thất bại trước con tim

Điều Em đã từng nói với Anh những gì đó sao giờ đây Em chẳng thể làm được
Kỷ niệm vây kín căn phòng Anh với nỗi nhớ Anh như muốn thét lên thật to
Một tình yêu sai chỗ, một khao khát lạc đường
Vô tình chạm vào trong trái tim Anh

Ngày mai Anh sẽ đi thật xa đi về nơi sẽ không còn thấy Em trong cuộc đời
Vì Anh không muốn những hình ảnh cứ gợi lên bao nhiêu nhớ thương về Em
Hãy cứ xem như ta là một người quen biết
Vô tình lướt qua đời nhau!

You used to say that your heartbeat, it will only beat with me
And there isn't a single person who could change that feeling
I know you only said that so that I would not worry
But in truth, I knew you were thinking of something else

I prepared my mind before you said you words of parting
And I woke up shocked, heart please stop wishing and dreaming
Why does it keep yearning in the nightmare
It seems I cannot be rational with my unreasonable heart

You used to tell me of your intentions and feelings for me, but now you can't keep/do them
Memories that are unbearably sealed inside me, I just want to scream out loud
Love, not in the right place; a person who is lost
Somehow, rams into my heart.

Tomorrow I will depart and leave for a place where I cannot see you in my life
I don't want those memories to make me remember how much I miss you
Keep seeing me as someone you used to know
Whose path accidentally crossed yours.

Have you

Have you ever had any one fight for you...?

學不會

Is it alright?

Is it alright to be afraid of losing someone?
Or is this wrong? Is this distrust?

Is it alright to trust the ones you love so much that you'll never think of losing them?
Or is this wrong? Is this arrogance?

What is right, what is wrong?

Does it vary from person to person, situation to situation?

1. "Are you afraid of losing me?"
"No, I believe in us"

Is that good enough?
Or does it feel comforting and slightly satisfying that the one that loves you is worried about losing you?



2. "Are you afraid of losing me?"
If you were to say yes, how would you say it?

Maybe a balance... just as there is a balance in everything. The problem is finding the balance, one that feels right.

Last night.. I had a dream. I was on a breezy hill. The grass was dark green and the surrounding had a tone of green in it. Maybe its because I've been watching that music video too much. It's very nostalgic..
Anyways, the place I was in was very cool and windy. I had a large kite with me. I felt so free, and I just wanted to let the string on the kite go endlessly.
But amidst this relaxing and calm dream.. something hit my thoughts and I was self conscious of it.
I asked myself "Wtf, why does this concern me. It isn't me and why should I even care?".
There was this strange feeling.. of loss - losing someone.

This reminded me of another dream I had a couple of years ago. I fell asleep while using my phone. The sleep wasn't peaceful; I woke up in the middle of the night and grabbed my phone to send a message, asking a very stupid question.
When it was morning, the event felt like a dream. I asked myself if and why I did it. I was very confused with myself. Sending the message and asking the question was unnecessary and stupid I thought, but why did I do it?
I think I was afraid of losing something. I've always been afraid of losing things.

Long time no post

我踩著夢的階梯 走進了 一座迷霧森林
誰的心事 被天使竊聽 泛起漣漪

時間它幫我設計 下一秒 誰是神秘嘉賓
小心翼翼 揭開了面具 掌聲鼓勵

誰闖進我的場地 誰讓我措手不及
我早就預備的劇情 妳卻給我一筆
狡猾地 致命地正中我紅心

我跟誰變得親密 誰逐漸離我遠去
華麗演出共襄盛舉 唯有妳的背影
友情客串卻留下刻骨銘心的回憶

妳按了我的門鈴 我終於 從呵欠中甦醒
緊張兮兮 對妳說一句 歡迎光臨

全場觀眾都離席 剩下我 還在原地尋覓
耳邊聽著 謝幕的歌曲 走不出去

誰闖進我的場地 誰讓我措手不及
我早就預備的劇情 妳卻給我一筆
狡猾地 致命地正中我紅心

我跟誰變得親密 誰逐漸離我遠去
華麗演出共襄盛舉 唯有妳的背影
友情客串卻留下刻骨銘心的回憶

我搬到誰的隔壁 誰成了我的鄰居
鳴謝生命有妳參與 笑納我的邀請
曲終人散卻寫下不會結束 的結局

START

Tonight

Would be odd if it rained tonight.

Very odd..

I hope it doesn't rain.

Not that I dislike the rain or anything though... it's not that.

Edited: And who woulda thought. It rained.

I felt really plain.. wasn't sad. I think.. Just plain.. not empty either.

I really didn't know how I should have felt.

Maison Ikkoku

Another one of Takahashi's work.

I feel so addicted to her manga because... I see bits and pieces of myself in her male protagonists.

Every time one of her manga series come to an end. I get so sad because I feel so absorbed into the characters. Here are some images

I actually began this post quite a while ago but couldn't be bothered to finish it. I finished the manga in about 1-2 weeks. Got so absorbed to it, especially since there was a sense of time in this series. The characters aged, there was Christmas, New Year. What I really disliked was how the characters looked really similar. At the start, Kyoko and Yusaku looked very distinct. One could say the aged.. but as the manga drew on they looked very similar to Inuyasha and Kagome.

These two images.. well.. it sort of sums life up pretty well and how guys would feel when they like a girl huh. I think I've been there, though, that guy there is not the main character of the manga.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

Just some strange feelings of feeling closer and closer to a person especially after times that you spend together alone.

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

This scene is near the end. The girl (Kyoko) finally accepts the guy's (Yusaku) proposal. Ikukuo is in fact a widow so she asks for a meaningful promise... after all.. being alone in this world does suck.  Lastly.. just wanna note how she looks so much like Kagome form Inuyasha..

And again.. the word understanding comes up. I think it's very important for a healthy relationship. I just want to be able to talk out any problems with the one I love and sort it out very quickly. Kyoko often forgets how Yusaku really feels, something I think I've been in before.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

More about misunderstandings in a relationship. But.. I posted in mainly cos of the food that she made him. Wonderful feeling when someone wishes you good luck or makes you something ^^. Lifts your spirit heaps..

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 

I feel like a failure a lot sometimes. And talking with someone I'm really close to makes me feel a lot better. Here also.. it's the horrible feeling of being compared to someone else. Sometimes, you just want to be loved because you are you. I'm not even sure who I am at the moment.. and I think Yusaku feels quite lost a lot of the times as well.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I just really love this manga a lot.

I love how there is that idea that that one girl could change a guy's life.

I love how Kyoko waited about 4-5 years for Yusaku to finish studying and getting a career. They walked through those hardships together.

I see myself a lot in Yusaku and the events that happen to him. He gets sad pretty easily over the girl he loves.

But I noticed there was one huge difference between me and him. He never gives up for some stupid reason like I do.

But heck, it's just a manga.. happy endings must be met. This is real life. The situations are different.

Edited it.. 'Ikuko' --> Kyoko. Knew something was up the first time i wrote it.

Feeling like absolute shit

I feel like absolute shit right now. But I'm managing.
I guess I deserve what happened though. I can't believe it would happen to me though.

And during times like these especially, you just wish you had a girl to talk to.
May be just a friend, not a girlfriend.

A close friend that I feel very comfortable around.

I had that and I didn't want to keep it. Guess that's my fault as well.
Why am I such a stubborn, selfish ass hole. Is it being selfish or being selfless?
I'm not sure at all.
I'm just not sure any more.

I did try talking to a few other people, not just girls. It never felt right at all.
It never really did.

I threw it all away. Why does it happen to me though? Of course isn't the answer simple?

I'm an idiot.

These things

Shit.. I realised that Takahasi's manga and anime aren't good for me.

They make me so sad sometimes because I often see bits of myself in her male protagonists.

And all those relationships.. it sorta makes me dwell in the topic and I get really sad..
.
Sigh..

The end of Urusei Yatsura

Well, I finished Urusei Yatsura a week ago.. really good manga. Probably my favourite work out of all of Takahashi's so far. The ending was great and the tension built up very nicely.

Despite Ataru's fickle personality, he really loves Lum but does not want to admit it. Just really sad lovey-dovey stuff. I might read the series all over again :'(

Still..

A couple of weeks back...

I remember leaving my house and headed towards the backyard in the night towards the entrance to my garage.

A light breeze flew past me and my body was exposed to how cool the surrounding was.

It was very quiet.

I stared up into the night sky and then went teary.

I missed someone very much. Now that I look back, I'm not exactly sure who it was that I missed.

All I know is that I feel very different.

On another note.. sometimes I look at the moon and wonder if there's another person out there looking at it. There should be, and I wonder how they feel.

Urusei Yatsura

I've been reading Urusei Yatsura, another manga by Rumiko Takahashi. It's very similar to her other series. I like it. One might find it repetitive but I like it.

These three images sort of captures the Takahashi's works that I've read so far. There are just these really sudden moments where you feel that you really love someone and it's a wonderful feeling. Everything inside you just lights up. In these manga series, they're a bit random and unrealistic but whatever :).

I hope to finish this soon but I really don't. I feel slightly sad at the end of every one of Takahashi's work. The ending is so abrupt and by that time, I feel connected to the manga in some weird way.

:). I'm searching for that wonderful feeling again!!!

Just something

Was walking the other day home from train station and saw dis..

Two birds casually sitting there in the rain.
When I walked a little further and turned around, they were both gone.
Mind you, they stood there for quite some time.

So many great Chinese songs to be discovered :'(

: '(

Turn on the captions :'(

Quick quick post

I've been calling a lot of posts "quick post" when they aren't. They're relatively long because I get caught in a stream of ideas each time.

And that's what blogging is for me, a stream of ideas that I try to collect and put into this post making it seem as cohesive as possible.

It's a pain and usually takes a lot more time than I expect. And it's probably one of the reasons why I refrain myself from beginning to write. I still have lots to say, especially with my visit in Vietnam.

Understanding

Just another quick post I guess with some ideas branching off of understanding..
It's really Naruto related but I don't think a lot of people can see it.

I think.. the core message that the author of Naruto is trying to get through is human understanding.
In Naruto, as long as there is "Chakra (energy)" then there will always be war and hatred.
In a similar way, I think I can sort of say this "chakra" is a metaphor for money, and all these other human greeds that lead to negative characteristics such as greed.

The anime explicitly states that people need to understand each other in order for there to be peace.
And it's true.. humans do need to understand each other. It may not be possible, but I think understanding of one another and the world around you is great. It's something I'm aiming for nowadays.

The other day, I felt a bit down partially because of something that happened: at my dad's work place, some old lady sort of got "demoted" and was forced to do a more laborious task. Obviously being this old, she was very frail and that did not help her at all. She was demoted because she wasn't working properly, being too slow and not doing the job right. She has a son who is in uni and a husband whom apparently is very lazy.
I was told that she was crying and my mum knew too and I don't know if that was what brought her into some tears. So.. it made me pretty sad too.
So from this perspective of understanding, I think it was unfair of the old lady's employer to do this.

Meanwhile, on the employer's perspective, I understand that this was what he had to do. He could not fire her (she could sue for harassment) and showing any leniency in the work place obviously bad. The rules of the workplace must be enforced properly on everyone so that the job is done correctly and the place won't fall into chaos.

But but but she's an old lady. So what?

So how exactly do I feel? How should I react? What is right and what is wrong?
This is just a portion of what I mean by "understanding". I think.. there is a much larger picture to it and I've got a long way to go.
Is feeling sad a good emotion for the health? Maybe..
I just don't want to indulge myself in it like I sort of used to.

On the other hand.. did the Buddha ever feel sad? How did he approach this emotion? From what I've read, he wouldn't have because he would have rid of himself of such "suffering" in order to attain enlightenment.

http://www.berzinarchives.com/web/en/archives/sutra/level2_lamrim/initial_scope/karma/sources_happiness_according_bsm.html

I did a quick google and found + skimmed through that article. Despite being a long article and not necessarily being true, I think that it's what I'm aiming towards. Just remember, this is my own understanding of the world and human emotions.

Another great aspect on my understanding of 'understanding' is that, you may not necessarily agree with it. But.. along the way, you try to gain an understanding of others perspective and perhaps put it in terms with your own.

I do not believe everything others say including religious leaders from Buddhism and Buddha himself. What they say just so happens to agree with my own understanding.

Heck, the Buddha might not have ever said that but I agree with it because it's an understanding of myself that I've reached.
All this talk about understanding sort of sounds cheesy, but hey, I'm here to express for those who wants to listen. As I said, you don't have to agree with what I say.
And no, I don't plan on becoming a religious leader. I have other plans :)

星空

Starry night,

What happened to those starry nights?

Where are all the stars?
Maybe my eyes are just getting bad..
Or maybe not. I'm not sure.

Where are the stars??

Gotta watch this movie sometime

Quick Post

Jealousy is a horrible feeling, avoid that horrible horrible feeling.
Try not to make others jealous.
Jealousy can lead to heaps of complications... doubt perhaps?
It really is a horrible feeling.

How does one avoid it? I don't know.
There needs to be understanding but such thing is so hard to achieve.


It really is hard for me to elaborate at the moment. When I have time I'll collaborate all this into one post...

On another note, here's a scenario where there are two ways of looking at it. What is right and what is wrong in our perspective and in the Buddhist perspective?

There is a girl that you like but she is dating a guy. You want to talk to her but you are afraid that you and her will become close and then she would eventually fall for you and break up with the other guy.
You talking to her could also probably make the guy jealous and begin to doubt her.
Of course, this is wrong of the guy so the right thing would be show her how much he loves her right? But what if no matter what he does, she just doesn't feel it any more with him, perhaps because of you?
So is it right of you to be talking to her since you like her?
I think the human emotion would allow for it, not really giving a shit about what would happen to the other guy. A lot of people simply put it as that "You like her, she likes you and that's that".

We have negative emotions rising from this situation, and it can lead to doubt..
And doubt is horrible.. Jealousy is horrible..
I would hate to make other people begin to doubt. I would hate to make them feel jealous. They're horrible emotions. I don't want others to feel these emotions because I've been there and it feels like shit. I don't want any one to ever experience it.
What would you do?


What is this thing we call 'love'? I don't understand any more and I don't want to step outside to reach for it any more. It's so complicated.

Perhaps, I'm just overthinking it.
Am I?

Reading this, I sort of sound like some person trying to convert others into Buddhism and I'm not.. I'm just here to provide my understanding of the world now.. and it sounds really Buddhist-y. But um.. I will elaborate on this some other time, just not now.

Some feelings..

I'm feeling a bit.. down.. lately.. but I think I'm managing. Will expand on this soon(hopefully).

Meanwhile listen to this song

Listen to this song while I get everything sorted out.. lots going on at the moment. Might explain it later.

Turn up your volume :).

"Mata Ashita" - Every Little Thing, lyrics from Jpopasia.com

nani wo suru wake ja nakutemo
konna ni itoshii jikan ga hora
ima koko ni nagarete iru yo
itazura ni warau
shigusa mo, kuchiguse mo zenbu
kimi rashii to omou hodo, suki ni natta

hazukashikute madamada iesou ni wa nai
kedo...
kimi ga omou yori mo kitto, kimi wo
daiji ni omou kara

* "mata ashita" de owaru kyou
zutto issho ni, iretara ii ne.
yuugure ga utsushidashita
futatsu naranda kage wo mitsumenagara
sonna koto wo, omotta n da...

"anmari tokui ja nakute" to
uzumukinagara mo kimi wa kureta
boku ni dake ai no kokochi

honto no honto wa, kitto
kimi dake shika shiranai
soredemo boku wa kimi no subete wo
zutto shinjiteru kara

mou jiki ne meguriaete
futatsu me ni naru fuyu ga kuru kara
samugari na kimi ni boku ga
shite agerareru koto ga aru to ii naa~

korogatte yuku kisetsu no naka ni
ima bokura ga mitsuketa mono wa...

heibon na "atarimae" wo
zutto daiji ni dekitara ii ne
kimi ga ite boku ga ireru
aimokawarazu kyou mo ai shiteru

Happy Valentine's Day

**** WILL UPDATE SOON. LOTS HAPPENING ATM AND I REALLY CAN'T BE BOTHERED TO UPDATE****

Yay, I arrive in Australia on Valentine's day.
Can post again, have lots. Will post later tonight. Got to unpack etc.
Guess I'll start with talking about love and the new blogger title crap w/e thingymajig.

A post before departure

Where to begin... where, where, where...
Been moving around heaps with lots on my mind.
Uhh.. to begin.. I guess I could talk about the title of this post.

I'm going to be traveling to Vietnam on the 20th (Monday) to visit relatives for three weeks. I'm really excited, especially with Tet coming up. Whenever I think about it, I'm reminded of my childhood memories. Perhaps, I could take photos and then post them up here and talk about what I remember.

Next topic!!! I've been listening to heaps of "Every little thing" the Japanese Band whose "Grip!" was an opening for Inuyasha. And here's a recommended playlist for anyone who's interested :), and that's another topic.

Now onto some more serious stuff which revolves some of my beliefs and ideals that I uphold mainly derived from Buddhism...

I've been looking up Vietnamese folklore and stories lately and I think this one is pretty interesting:

http://www.culture-4-travel.com/friendship-story.html

To sum it up, it's about three poor friends who attend the same school. They told each other that if any one of them would ever become successful, they would help the others out. The three friends separate and attend different uhh colleges?
We'll call them Friend A, B and C.
Friend A and B become famous but B is very greedy.
Friend C has no success and remains poor.
Remembering their words, friend A leaves his home and presents himself as a poor person and travels long distances to meet his old friends. B is greedy and treats A very unkindly. C is poor and is very generous to A so in the end A helps out C. B finds out about A's wealth and gives A a visit however A treats him the way B had treated him before. B regrets his action..

Now, this story does raise some rather.. odd questions for me. What does it say about the poor and the rich? If C was rich would he still be as generous?
We may see A as someone we can look up to. But.. it raises another question for me. A treats B in the same manner B had treated him. Is this right of a person? It does raise questions about my beliefs in accordance with Buddhism. In a way, I still think what A did was sort of wrong, but understanding in a more common human mind? I hope that's correct wording for it. If someone treats you wrong, do you treat them in the same way? Or should you be kind to all no matter what? Was that not what the Buddha was like?

Moving on again..

I have huge trust problems. I find it very hard to completely trust a person and trust is easily lost with me. I'm quite wary of a lot of things, very unnecessarily too. I think it's come from the way I've been raised.
I remember a lot times when my parents and friends lied to me as a kid. With my parents lying, I sort of understand that it's for my own benefit... but the extent to which they lied sort of made me very wary of everything till this day. I'm overtly cautious and I reckon it's a huge setback for me.
Lately, with me going to Vietnam, my mum's been telling me a lot about the people in Vietnam and how I should be extremely careful.
I think.. Vietnam needs help.. and I want to help in the future.
My mum tells me a lot about the people of Vietnam. She warns me of druggies, thieves etc over and over again and it makes me feel uneasy. She mentions how people can frame you for being the drug dealer like for example, a person asking you to hold a bag for them.
That's sort of reasonable of her to say... but then she mentions the word "help". She tells me that even if an old lady asks me for help, I should not do it.
I'm in moral conflict....

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Change

aishitai yo itsumo
kakegae no nai mono
egao no afureru mirai e

kimi no iru machi made
densha ni tobinotte
ima sugu ai ni uki tai na

bokura wa tabi o shiteru
shiawase o mitsuke taku te
kokoro ni aoi sora ga tsuzuku kagiri

furisosoi da hikari kanji nagara
mie nai koto me o toji te shimawa nu you ni
souzou shi te saki o mi ni iyuko
kimi to nara doko made mo arui te ikeru kara

tsurai koto atte mo
ganbatte iru kimi wa
mata hitotsu yume ni chikazui ta

aoi sora o miage te
me ippai ni shimi ta namida
wasure zu ni i rare tara tsuyoku nareru

megutte yuku toki o kanji nagara
hitori ja nai kara kawatte ikeru hazu sa
kakae kire nu omoi dakishime te
onaji you de chigau hibi taisetsu ni iki tai

bokura wa tabi o shiteru
shiawase o mitsuke taku te
kokoro ni aoi sora ga tsuduku kagiri

furisosoi da hikari kanji nagara
mie nai koto me o toji te shimawa nu you ni
souzou shi te saki o mi ni iyuko
kimi to nara doko made mo arui te ikeru

I love "Every little thing" now!!!

Nice lil picture